It’s not like I don’t have my doubts. I do. I’m constantly putting my motives under the microscope. Is this just an insatiable need for love and validation? Am I simply trying to fill some unfillable void? Is it attention seeking behaviour? Am I a completely selfish person behaving in a very hurtful way? Am I simply trying to fill some unfillable void? Am I just a sex and love addict? Is love addiction really thing? Or is it really coming from a woundedness of heart? Maybe all addiction is?
I can hear them all saying “Well she just wants it all doesn’t she? A stable relationship plus a bit of fun on the side? Thats not right! She just wants to have her cake and eat it too!”.
Why yes, yes I do. And why shouldnt I have it all? I’m the one writing this life, after all. And I give myself permission. Besides, why on earth would you have cake and not eat it? It’s a silly saying.
The truth is I’ve never been able to maintain a long term relationship. Three to four years has been my absolute maximum. I fall out of love. My libido tanks. The energy stagnates and we become flatmates or friends or something.
What I mostly crave is that zing of a new connection. They call it “new relationship energy” or NRE. It’s like a bubbling brook of exciting super-charged water that flows into the stagnant pool, invigorating and giving it life again. It absolutely does benefit the existing relationship, as it flows into all areas, igniting passion again. Love expands and grows as it overflows.
And when I imagine my partner with someone new, I see him through fresh eyes. Her eyes. I remember all the things I found sexy and attractive about him in the first place. My desire for him is reignited.
I can be someone else. You can be someone else. We can be strangers. We can be best friends. Sharing secrets and pouring over every little detail of our newfound loves …
Is it an orientation? Or is it a symptom of something wrong with me?
It’s probably a little bit of both. Hey nobody’s prefect. We were the maladjusted ones, they said.
My heart will lead me to what it needs. Relationship is a catalyst for personal growth. So maybe I should just follow my heart and live out my truth? I’m sure my soul will find it’s way.
“To be yourself is all that you can do.” Chris Cornell. RIP.